I moved the blog...

I've been having some troubling editing at this host so I decided to move the blog.

It's new home is here...

http://kairoswarriors.wordpress.com/

Hope this isn't too confusing.  But please bookmark the above link to follow the blog.

Thanks!
Heather

Waiting in the corral

I was not well this morning.  Pretty sick.  

It was difficult to even get on the computer to respond to all of you lovlies out there.
So I slept.  And I was soon greeted with a visitor...



This is Molly.  She's one of the best cats you will ever meet.  And this is how we spent our morning. In kitty cuddle heaven.

I wasn't much better when I woke up.  I think I may have been running a bit more on adrenaline than I realized and had a little crash today.  Not sure.  In any case it was a day to process and take it all in.  And get in a little sleep with a furry purry blanket.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning for the next steps.  I have no idea what they are and I feel like I should educate myself, but I'm a little overwhelmed how.  There's things out there that I don't want to read and there seems to be so much. Where do you begin? I did receive a great book from a friend that seems to be a really good start and I really appreciate all of the advice from friends who have gone through similar things themselves or with a family member.

I've heard from a couple of my Team In Training friends. I've completed 2 marathons with them.  TNT raises money for blood cancers.  It was an incredible experience.
For those of you who've never run a race it's a little hard to describe, but I'll try:
On race day, there's a lot of excitement, anxiety and adrenaline as you wait for the gun.  When the gun finally goes off, you still have to wait for the corrals ahead of you to go.  And you're pumped and it's hard to not push ahead.  Once you see the clearing to start you want to just start sprinting.  But the key to finishing a marathon without injury or illness is pace.  You have to start slow or you risk not having enough energy.  And as you go there's people cheering you on and in the one's I did bands playing every coupe of miles.
The first 4 to 6 miles are good.  You find your groove and love that you're doing it.
Starting around mile 7 you start to enjoy the crowds a bit more.  Keeps you focused.
Miles 12 to 14 are exciting and scary.  You start to feel the pavement with every step and little aches start to  make themselves known.  You pass the 13.1 mark though, and that's encouraging.  Half way!
Miles 16-18 are tough.  In my race we call it the gauntlet because of the stretch of road it's on.  There's not much out there.  The crowds have thinned and the sun is usually beating down by down.  The pavement seems harder and the little pains start to scream.  Other pains start in new places and it's pretty miserable.  You try to find things to keep your pace up like someone with a garden hose or a bowl of orange slices and try your best to not think about the fact that you have 9 more miles to go.
Then something happens around mile 19.  You head out of the gauntlet and into a subdivision full of cheering people.  There's a band playing a song you really like, the aches and pains start to numb and you find a new wind that takes you through the next few of miles.
Then you get to mile 24.  Only two more miles to go!  And all of those aches and pains hit all at once and the heat is beating harder than ever.  Two. more. miles. to. go.  and it feels like it will be the longest two miles you've ever had to go.
Miles 25 starts to lighten up a bit and you focus on everything you can to get through this mile. Breath, cheering, music, trees, birds in the sky.  Whatever. And you find a little somethin to pick up the pace a bit.
And then you finally cross 26.  You can't believe you made it.  You start to run.  You forget every blister, ache and pain and just head to that finish line.  Two tenths of a mile isn't very far, but seems like another mile after 26.  But you run and run as fast as your beaten legs can take you and euphorically cross that finish line in a blur.  And any tears that come are from pure joy and you smile.

I got to thinking about that experience when this all started happening and it's funny because a friend mentioned it too...  
This is a marathon I didn't sign up for but I'm suddenly in the corral. I will probably get a little banged up along the way and it's not going to be easy, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

getting closer

Not a definite answer yet, but last night's CT scan showed masses on my ovaries.  

Still waiting on a blood test and will have an appointment with an oncologist gynecologist (Do they have a special name?) hopefully this week.  While I'm not excited about the prospect of having ovarian cancer, it does bring some relief in getting answers.

This news brings a lot of emotions.
Whatever happens from this point forward, one thing is certain (and the Dr agreed) is that I will not be able to have children.
At the end of last summer, MJ and I had started pursuing an addition to our family.  I had always wanted to have a child and felt like this would be a good time to start trying.  The funny thing in all of this is that I had gone to the Dr. in November to get everything checked out.  I had a ultrasound 2 years ago that showed I had fibroids and wanted to be sure that wasn't going to be a problem.  I had all kinds of blood work done and tests and everything seemed to be OK.  The only thing they didn't do was rescan my uterus because it has only been 2 years.  I never would've imagined all of this starting just a month later.
While I'm sad that I will never have a biological child, I'm grateful and thankful that I get to share in the lives of MJ's kids and they will always have a place in my heart as my own.
And going through all of the stages of greif in one afternoon, I'm also angry.  I'm frustrated that I've had issues with this and we didn't find anything until now.  I don't fault anyone for it, but it's just the emotions I need to work through.  It's a lot to not only find out that you won't be able to have a child but that you now may have a disease that could kill you.  And at the very least make you incredibly sick.

I'm a little down with this news, but I'm not giving in.  There are still more tests to be done and questions to be answered.  One day at a time.

I will keep everyone updated as news comes in.  I so appreciate all of your support and love.

So start practicing those poses, warriors.  Looks like we likely have a fight on our hands!

So far, so good

Met with a liver specialist today.
He showed me pictures from the scans last week and explained a whole bunch of stuff that I'm not sure I completely processed.  He did tell me I had nice pictures.  From someone who looks like he's been doing this awhile, I'll take that as a compliment :D
What I did get out of it is that he confirmed based on a few things that he doesn't feel that the lesions are primary liver cancer.  Which is very good.  He said my kidneys, spleen, pancreas and the bowls he could see all look very good.  I got to see the gallstone in my gallbladder, but other than the stone he said that looks good too.  Chest x-rays looked clear.

This was all very good news to hear.  Don't have an answer yet, but I like that were moving ahead.
The next step he said was to get results from more blood panels and the second CT scan which I did both tonight, so hopefully there will be more results tomorrow.  If the blood tests come back abnormal then it's colonoscopy time!  Whoo hoo!  If they come back in somewhat normal range then I'm looking at a liver biopsy.  In my brief stray to webmd the other night, there were things I read that lead me to suspect the colon.  (don't worry, I've resisted going back)  Guess well see.

So were moving forward.  One day at a time.

It's hard to do a warrior pose in a hospital gown moo moo.

Up and down

I managed to go back to sleep after my last post and this morning I felt the best I've felt in at least 2 weeks.  I had energy, spirits were up, anxiety down.  It was good.

We headed to church and it was peaceful to be surrounded with such a wonderful family.  And when it was time for the sermon, here's what it was...



HA!  Thanks, Pastor Tim.  Certainly needed that today.

Had a nice peaceful afternoon with the family and all was well until about 6.  I started going downhill.  Right now, I'm pretty sick.  And like I said, this is the hard part of not knowing what's going on.  It kinda feels like that smoke monster from LOST is after me.  Not sure what it is, but it's scary as fuck.  And without a plan of attack I feel defenseless.  Hopefully we'll have more answers tomorrow than we do today and Tuesday we'll hopefully know more than we will on Monday.
In the mean time, I have incredible support from family and friends and an amazingly strong wife who I know is right by my side.  Up or down.

It's just mean

Telling someone that they "likely" have cancer and then make them wait 4 or 5 days for the next step is quite cruel.  I am extremely grateful that I have great health care and local expert services, but I'm still human.  I still have a wondering mind and as positive as I'm trying to remain it will still wonder "there".

When I'm feeling OK it's all good, of course.  No problem. Let's go do some errands.  Get stuff done, make the day go by faster.  But when the yuk starts kicking in it's a little more difficult.  It's the subtle reminder that there's something wrong. Something that could be quite seriously wrong.  But what is it?  And if it really is cancer, GET IT OUT OF ME!  And all of that is a little to much to have bouncing around in your brain while your pushing the cart around Costco.  I felt like a crazy person today.  Trying to stay focus but looking around at people wondering if they ever had cancer and if this isn't then what's making me so sick and why are pears so expensive here?




This picture is of the Porter T stop in Boston, MA.  I used to take the train to work and there were many days that this was my exact view as I sat and waited.  I'm reminded of this place because somedays I would have to wait awhile and I would get very impatient cause I needed to get to work.  What I didn't always do was have a look around.  It's actually a unique station.  I wouldn't call it beautiful, but interesting.  And sometimes, there would be others waiting with me who were fun to talk to.
I'm ready to get to work, but I have a couple more days in the station.  I'll try and make the best of it.

After we ran errands today we met up with some wonderful friends, cooked dinner together, watched an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race and a documentary,  It was everything I needed to put my bouncing brain back into place.  It also made me tired enough to crash out when we got home.
I'm not sure why I'm up at this hour.  I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't sleep.  Not because I'm anxious or anything.  I feel quite good right now.  I'm just up.  Hopefully I can get a few more winks in before church.

Day 2

I am overwhelmed and filled with warm fuzzies with all of the words of support, encouragement and love.  I can't tell you how much this means right now and I love you all so much.

Today was, well, interesting.



No new news. Boooo.
Played phone tag with doctors all morning trying to get in for the additional scans but they can't get me in until Monday night.  I was very disappointed to hear that, but it is what it is.

Besides that, the morning started out great.  I felt good and was so overjoyed to hear from so many people and it was a wonderful distraction to get through the day.  I started not feeling well as the day went on though.  I didn't sleep all that well last night.  Shocking, right?  Not entirely due to emotions.  I feel like I'm coming down with a cold again.  Achy. Stuffy. Blah.  

This all got worse as the day went on which lead me to looking up stuff on the internet.
Friends, at the very least until Monday I need you to NOT LET ME DO THAT.  Seriously. I kinda freaked out a little.  Minor panic attack.  And it's just silly.  No matter what news I get next week I'm not gonna take it face value anyway so I don't even know why I went there.  So send me stuff.  Stupid YouTube links.  A documentary about how chairs are made.  I'll watch it.  I'm a documentary sucker.  I really don't care what it is if it keeps me off of the damn webmd.

I'm better now.  At least mentally.  Some amazing friends brought us dinner and MJ came home from work.  That was all I needed in the world.

Other random thoughts from the day, let's see...
- I'm a little concerned about my arms.  It's only been a week of tests and my arms are already starting to look like a banged up junkie.  I guess it's a good thing I'm telling people what's going on or people would be taaaalkin.
- I had a thought run through my head that I should've posted more pictures of myself lately.  Why?  Because I've lost quite a bit of weight since most people have seen me.  And I want people to know that I lost that BEFORE i got sick.  Damn it.  Now people are just going to assume I'm getting all skinny because I'm sick.  Hmmph.  

 My dad's cousin mention haka in a post to me today.  Haka is a Maori war cry dance. For those of you that don't know, MJ and I honeymooned in New Zealand and that's where our last name came from.  Moana means "ocean" in Maori.  We were fortunate enough to see a haka while we were there and it's actually where my "warrior pose" inspiration came from.  Check out a video here
Here's a picture I took

Here's my try at it



I haven't quite got it down yet.  I'll have to work on that.

And if that didn't make you laugh, check out some of these...  http://www.happyplace.com/10430/the-most-enjoyably-cantankerous-notes-ever-posted-in-the-workplace

Peace.